Lessons in Loss: Communicating With Heart

A good coach TURNS LOSSES INTO LESSONS.

I mentioned earlier (briefly, a few posts ago, kind of hoping you wouldn’t notice) a 12-0 loss.

Last fall, the trapped team I coached had a couple weekends left in the season. The girls had been working hard at every practice, winning games here and there, and I could sense it was time to let them loose on a true challenge and see what they could really do as a team.

The girls also remained slightly divided by groups of origin; it wasn’t cliquish per se but it did feel disjointed and I felt like we could make some strides the other direction before the season ended. I felt it was in our best interest to throw them up against a team they wouldn’t normally play and support them through it.

If we won, we won as a team, and if we lost, we lost as a team. It would bring us together either way, and I thought that was important.  

I connected with the coach of another trapped team in our area, from a different club. This club is known to be competitive, and their players are usually fierce, skilled, and relentless. I had no idea what their trapped team would be like, but I figured it would be a new challenge. I wondered if it might be too much of a challenge. But the coach was super nice, and we agreed on to play a friendly match between our two teams. I found some field space, recruited a parent and two players from another team to referee the game, and let the girls know where and when to be.

The girls showed up nervous – they had heard rumors about this team – and we had a tough game. We lost badly. Yes, we lost 12-0. But in my opinion, my girls played really great soccer. They battled to the final whistle and never gave up. They worked together, gave it their all, and I couldn’t have asked for more from them. Still, I knew it was hard to lose that badly in a friendly, not least because it doesn’t feel very friendly to lose like that.

We had the two teams take a picture together afterwards, and I knew it stung to stand there and smile for a photo. Even so, it was important. There is something about standing shoulder to shoulder with your opponent after the battle is over and recognizing each other as equals; as teenage girls; as the people you see at school. 

The other team was a couple levels above where we were, and they had players who train with the Washington Olympic Development Team. Had I known, would I have picked that team to play? Probably not. But even when my girls left dejected and down in the dumps, I didn’t despair. I knew it could be a good teaching moment.

However, it wouldn’t be that way until I synthesized the hard stuff, offered a new perspective, and handed it back to them to think about before I saw them again. Otherwise, it would remain a sucky, annoying moment that they’d cringe over and cry about and then talk to their therapists about in ten years.  

Okay, probably not that last part, but I didn’t want to turn something hard into something horrible if I could help it.

I didn’t put pressure on myself to have the perfect rousing, motivational, inspirational speech afterwards. The girls were distracted and exhausted and they weren’t going to hear me anyways. A good coach can recognize that and adapt. Communicating with heart can take many forms, but it always requires you to dig deep to do it right.

I took some time and wrote them an email. I knew they’d read it, or their parents would read it to them. Or at least their parents would rest easier knowing that I really care about their kid.

The email in question:

 Hi everyone, 

 Usually I wait a day to send a game reflection but I felt it was important you read this before you go to sleep tonight. 

 Let’s just start by stating the obvious: today was hard. Even though it was a friendly, it never feels good to lose like that. I hear your frustrations and I promise we will put in the work at training next week, especially before our last game of the season (how did that come around so fast?!)

 Girls, I want you to know that I would never, ever intentionally put you in a situation to make you feel sad or defeated. Friendly matches are an opportunity to play against teams we would never normally play against. To meet new teams and rise to a challenge - for fun, for experience, and to play soccer on a beautiful day. Even so, I know that was a difficult 80 minutes.

 With that being said, I want to make a point that I believe is very important you understand. 

 Soccer is a game of stamina. Most of the time, that stamina is demanded from your body. Physical stamina in soccer is a sweaty, heart-pounding, catch-your-breath-so-you-can-keep-going, coach-can-i-have-a-sub? type of hard. It is flat out sprints up and down the field, chasing an opportunity, a goal, a battle. It’s not always pretty. It is really tough. 

 But soccer is also is a game of emotional stamina. The heart muscle is not just a physical one. Today, the game - and me - and your teammates - asked you to keep going when you probably wanted to quit. To keep going after every goal they scored, to restart and try again. Emotional stamina in this sport looks at an opponent who’s scored on you once, twice, ten times and challenges them to another battle, for forty minutes straight, and then for another forty. Heart, true athletic heart, asks you to keep your chin up, your chest proud, your smile bright, your joy intact, no matter WHAT the score is. 

 You came off the field with a loss that hurt. I know it hurt. And even so, you came to me with silver linings, learning moments, and positivity. I am so proud of you for taking that team picture afterwards. That was an opportunity to learn how to stand next to people who were opponents and greet them as equals. Because you are equals. 

 You deserved to stand proud in that picture and smile because this sport is one that brings women together. Never forget that. Playing with and against strong women is a gift that you will carry with you for the rest of your lives. You and those girls are more alike than different. You have been given the gift of good competition today. It may not feel like a gift right now, but it is - because you strengthened your heart today.  

I look at our team and see 20+ fighters who don’t give up as they chase something they love. I hope you carry that forward in everything you do - in school, other sports, relationships, friendships, adventures, careers, dreams, all of it. You are each STRONG women who I have the great honor of coaching. Thank you for today. It is truly a privilege to watch you play. 

Let me know if you want to talk about the game before practice this week. Until then, shake it off, get some rest, and have fun in the sun tomorrow! See you Monday. 

Best, 

Coach Olly

The girls came back to practice, and they were lighthearted and easy going and a little bruised around the ego, but we were able to finish the season more unified than before. Some of them replied to my emails with their thoughts, we talked about the hard parts at practice, and then we let it go.

Even though we lost, it still felt like a win.